update of my life
i was walking to the movies one day and passed by an army recruiters office. i sparatically decided that i would join the army reserves. i left hawaii for basic combat training on 23 april 2007. after 10 stressful weeks i graduated on  9 july 2007.  3 days later i continued my initial entry training by beginning 13 stress filled weeks of advanced individual training. i graduated on 4 october 2007 and returned home on 5 october 2007. that is all

thoughts
it happens that i met someone. and that someone began to make a home somewhere in my heart. not even my heart, just somewhere inside of me. if you've read my blogs before you'll see i have major trust issues. probably enough to have to talk to some professional help. anyways. i find it hard to trust this guy not only because guys in general are dogs who think with their wrong head... and yes, i know this from experience being on both ends. it's more hard because he's just begun exploring the homosexual within him. i'm his first boyfriend you could say and he believes that he may love me. it's fine with me. but the fact that he's new and i am more jaded towards the gay world has me feeling that perhaps a relationship isn't what he needs. i know one of us will end up getting hurt. maybe he'd be better off free. i just don't know what to do. the distrust i have within kills me. it makes me so unhappy. it keeps me up at night. keeps me digging for something to catch him on. i know i have this problem. i've for so long. but how do you kill it? i can try all i want but it's never stopped it. is that i've hurt so many that i've officially fucked myself over by making my own self not be able to trust because of things i have done? perhaps karma is a bitch.